Ask A Guru

June, 2003


Q: Given the current socio-economic climate of the USA, is it better to be a SPECIALIST or a GENERALIST? (Destiny - 2003/06/27)
A: Well, that of course depends on what you prefer to do. As a specialist you'll know an awful lot about very little, and as a generalist you'll know very little about an awful lot. Moving from a specialist to a generalist allows you to learn less about more, and moving from a generalist to a specialist lets you learn more about less. So, we need to look at the jobs in the US and see whether they're hiring people who know everything about nothing, or nothing about everything. Of course, sadly, most of the jobs in the US require you to know nothing about nothing. We personally, know everything about everything. I hope this clears things up for you.

Q: Why do the words "ravel" and "unravel" mean the same thing? (Your Very Humble Servant - 2003/06/26)
A: Well my humble servant, it goes like this. The word ravel comes from an old Dutch word called ravelen, which meant to loosen threads. In the English language if you want to make a verb an opposite you can append an "un" to the beginning. So why does unravel mean the same thing as ravel, even though it has the prefix of "un"? Because the English language is wack!

Heck, what do you expect when your teachers tell you "i before e", and then make you spell "their". Or, when switching from a adjective to an adverb you add "ly", but the adverb form of "good" is "well". The whole language is a series of exceptions, it's a joke. That's why everyone should use "Gururish"©® as their language. It's a patented language that is perfect in everyway (of which we receive royalties when you use it).

Q: How many established religions are there? (Judah - 2003/06/25)
A: A very difficult question, but of course we can answer it. Depending on the source, the number changes each time because there is no set rule for what dictates whether a religion has been established or not. The most common number is 12 which includes (Baha'i, Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, Shinto, Sikhism, Taoism, and Zoroastrianism). It seems Scientology didn't make the cut, shucks.

Q: If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? (Steven Wright - 2003/06/24)
A: No, the real Steven Wright didn't ask us this question derectly, but a faithfull reader has brought it to our atention. Since we know everything, we've decided to go ahead and anser it. Well, if a word were misspeled in the dicshunary, all you have to do is ask us for the proper speling. We r the best spelers in the world and we never make mistakies.

Q: Many years ago I downloaded Master of Magic and played it until I was in a coma, I tried to find it again for my 9 year old so he could try it. I'm lost trying to find it, please help (Dayton - 2003/06/23)
A: No problem Dayton, finding old games is our specialty. First off, for those of you who have never heard of this game, "Master of Magic" was an amazing PC strategy game where you played a wizard in control of a small kingdom. Through strategic advancement you would eventually take over the other wizard's kingdoms and conquer the world. Joy!

The game was developed by SimTek in 1993 and published by Microprose, both companies are now defunct. Because you can now longer buy Master of Magic in stores, the game is classified as abandonware. Thus if you want a free, but illegal, copy go to everyone's favorite abandonware site The Underdogs. If you want a legal physical copy, check ebay. We hope your son likes it as much as you do.

Q: Your Excellency, why is it that almost every pretty person (men and women) treats normal people no better than dirt on their shoe? (Nathan Lande - 2003/06/20)
A: For future reference, we LOVE sentences that start with "Your Excellency". Anyway, this question is best left to philosophers and social scientists. But a fat lotta good they've been, so we'll have to answer it for them... jerks.

It seems "pretty" people suffer from the hereditary disease Modelous Anarexeous, the source of their good looks. The disease infects one in every fifty or so people and causes the Medulla Oblongata (say that five times fast!) to become hyper active, forcing them to be meanie-heads. They also secrete a liquid making other pretty people less mean to them. Thus, the pretty people sit drinking Sherry while us normal folk talk about them behind there backs.

Is there a cure for this disease? No. However, there are several things that produce antibodies like compassion and understanding (which are hard to find these days).

Q: What are the names of each member of the band "The Moffatts"? (Jason - 2003/06/19)
A: For those of you who don't know about the band, they are a pop music teen-idol band. That pretty much explains how bad they are. The members names are triplets Clint, Dave and Bob, and their older brother Scott, all last named Moffatt. They started as a Canadian country band (is that even legal?) and recently have worked with the band Hanson to write music (what an honor). Supposedly, they're unique because they play their own instruments and write their own songs. Wow, that's just like a -real- band! Would to like to know more?

Q: Which creature produces the largest semen in comparison to its own bodysize? (Jason - 2003/06/18)
A: You're probably wondering, what kind of sick question is this? Well, so are we. However, since we are gurus with nothing better to do, we feel obligated to answer this icky question.

The longest sperm belongs to the fruit fly Drosophila bifurca. The typical Drosophila bifurca male sperm is approximately six centimeters long (over 2 inches)! That's twenty times the length of the fly itself and 10,000-times longer than a human spermatozoon. Want proof?

Q: Dear Almightiest Guru of the fallen angels of the dark landlord Prince Wamitiki who recently cut off his nose in order to see if, indeed, as you said he did, have black blood, in the movie Red Dragon, whose blood is it that the blind lady has splattered on her face and whose face does she touch? how does red dragon escape? thank you your holiness for the kind attention you have given a poor worthless soul like me who is dirt dirt DIRT under your feet. (IshratOrc - 2003/06/17)
A: I like your style. Good protocol by saying you are dirt beneath my feet, I like that. However, I am not the "Guru of the fallen angels" I think there's been a mix-up, but I'll answer your question anyway.

While I've never actually seen the movie Red Dragon (I only heard bad reviews so I skipped it) I've created these dandy answers. (For better answers send money).

The blood on the blind lady is Fred's. The face she touches is Fred's. The Red Dragon escapes through Fred. Yay Fred! I hope this clears things up.

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? (Judah - 2003/06/16)
A: It never fails. Someone was bound to ask this question sooner or later. Sadly, the answer is still inconclusive. Several scientific studies have been made regarding this time honored quandary and the number of licks still varies from the low 144, to the high 411. So the answer still is, "The World May Never Know". (However, my personal test took 524.)

Q: What is the origin of the word "woozy?" (Prince Charles - 2003/06/11)
A: Hey, even Royalty is getting in on the action! Well, I asked Susie, who was all oozy and shooting an Uzi. She told me to talk to the newsy in the Jacuzzi. He stood up and took a doozy of a fall and was rather choosy about seeing a doctor.

Anyway, the word woozy, was probably created as a manipulated form of the word boozy, which means "to look intoxicated". So a person who is boozy is often woozy.

Q: Is Demi Moore's name pronounced De-MEE or DEM-ee? The world awaits. (Kathy Green - 2003/06/10)
A: Ahh, enquiring minds want to know. So which is it? We asked Miss Moore how exactly to pronounce her name when she came to us several years ago wondering who the best plastic surgeon was. The correct pronunciation is dem-EE, as in small, partial, or half. (She's not very useful, so her name is fitting!)

Q: What is the meaning of life? (STELLA - 2003/06/06)
A: Why can't all questions be this easy? Just pick one of the meanings below. (or two, they're free!)

life, 'lIf, noun
1. The sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual.
2. What TheAlmightyGuru needs to get.
3. The time when you're not dead.
4. A morbid game created by (G/g)od[ess](s/es).
5. 42.
6. True.

Q: Why are (most) men such JERKS??? ;-) (Kathy Green - 2003/06/05)
A: You'll notice she said "most", in order to exclude TheAlmightyGuru. Anyway, this question has stumped doctors and microbiologists for years, but has recently been brought to light by yours truely. It seems that the "jerk" gene was started by an early homo sapien many centuries ago. The man's name was Stan. So anyway, Stan had the mutated "jerk" gene in his genetic sequence. Normally, these mutations are destroyed through the process of natural selection, but Stan was also the inventor of the "pick-up line" giving him the edge he needed to spread his genetic inadequacies. Long story short, the "jerk" gene is still with us today, but I hear it skips a generation.

Q: Would you give the same yes/no answer to a request for $100 as your answer for this question? Y/N (Gricksigger - 2003/06/04)
A: Why is it the greedy people always ask first? Oh well. This is what is commonly referred to as a "trick question". If I answer "yes", I have to give him $100. If I answer no, I have to give him $100. There's the little Y/N at the end of the question, but that could mean anything, maybe his favorite letters or something, who knows? Anyway, the correct answer to this question, of course, is "maybe".

Q: Gee Guru, how is it that you know all the answers? (Jonny Quazar - 2003/06/03)
A: Well Jonny, it's like this... Most people spend their time working at a job, going on dates, sleeping, socializing, tending rabbits, and whatever it is you people do. I, on the other hand, sit around all day and archive vast quantities of trivia. Thus, I have learned everything there is to know.

 

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