2006


Why do girls have a period? - Jackie (2006/12/06)

Eve, being the skank that she was, ate an apple. This pissed off God like you wouldn't believe and he decided to punish woman for all of eternity by making them spew forth blood from their cha-cha's once a month. By doing this, he ensured that women would never eat apples EVER again! So basically, God is an apple Nazi.

In fact, women have it so bad that according to the book of Leviticus, "And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even." (15:19). But wait it gets better! "And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the Lord for the issue of her uncleanness." (15:29-30).

So ladies, when your period ends you're supposed to kill off two turtles, or maybe three if you're having one of those "heavy-flow" days.

Okay, back to the real world. Most placental mammals go through a estrous cycle, more commonly called "being in heat". However, for the great apes (yes, that includes humans) a slightly different cycle called menstruation occurs. Now normally you would learn all about menstruation in the third grade from a fifty year-old film strip that uses words like "golly" and "gee-wilikers", but we assume that you were too busy smoking crack in the little girl's room that day so let's have a quick review.

Humans, along with most other animals, use sex as a means of reproduction (or something to do when they're bored). Upon the onset of puberty a female's body begins going through the cycle of menstruation. Without getting into too much detail and becoming a text book, we'll explain the menstrual cycle.

A woman's ovaries house her ova (eggs). At the beginning of the cycle, the chick's hormones wack out and cause one of her ovaries to prepare an ovum for a joy ride down the fallopian tube towards the uterus. The uterus prepares for the oncoming ovum by building up its endometrium (inner lining) with nutrients and blood. If the ovum is fertilized with sperm (meaning flunitrazepam was probably involved) then it takes up residence in the uterus and forms into the typical demon spawn that we all know and love. Otherwise, the excess endometrium and the ovum are discarded through the vagina in a process that scientists call being "on the rag". The blood and tissue from the discharge is called menses--something that makes the haematophiliacs want to earn their red wings.

A female is only capable of becoming pregnant during certain parts of the menstruation cycle, usually around 19 to 10 days before the expected menses flow. However, sperm can survive in the body for as long as eight days, so if you're one of those people who use the "rhythm method" of birth control, you may want to go out and buy some condoms.

Logic would suggest that the best way for a species to maintain its numbers would be to have females constantly in a state of becoming pregnant. But when you look at how much havoc it causes on the female body, not to mention the limited number of ova a woman has, it makes sense for humans to have evolved to their limited amount of time of feeling... you know... not so fresh.

What is the exact word for a play or pun on words. If you took a word and modified the specific dictionary word but the meaning remains the same it would be called what? i.e. the word is "expansion" but the marketing gimmick is "expanion" - Wendy Zimmer (2006/08/02)

There are plenty of terms used when a speaker alters words to make a pun, you've used one already, "play on words". However, your example (combining expansion and companion to get expanion) is a case of those annoying advertisers who think it's necessary to combine two words to make a new one. Had they just opened a thesaurus they would sound a lot less stupid, but no, they have to play Dr. Frankenstein with the English language! Ingrates, every last one of them!

Anyway, the result of combining two or more existing words (or grammatical functions) to create a new word is called a portmanteau. The word portmanteau was coined in 1871 by Lewis Carroll (everybody's favorite children's author who wrote books about a blonde brat who ran through mirrors to chase after white lagomorphs). Portmanteau comes from the Middle French "porter" (to carry) and "manteau" (a covering), thus one word carries a covering word producing those annoying mish-mashed words.

Portmanteau is--unfortunately--becoming more popular in Hollywood where so-called journalists are using it to death on celebrities. Bennifer and Brangelina for example; pure tripe. Regardless of pop culture, this writing fashion has been around for quite awhile. For example, alphabet (alpha, beta), motel (motor, hotel), brunch (breakfast, lunch), electrocution (electricity, execution), and one of the originals, chortle (chuckle, snort).

If you feel a little overwhelmed by the annoyances of pop culture's over use of portmanteau, you can impress the people in Starbucks by reading it in literature. Check out "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" by Lewis Carroll, or "Finnegans Wake" by James Joyce. Of course, you'll probably find yourself even more overwhelmed with Joyce, but you can just pretend to read like the rest of the Starbucks crowd.

What is a guru? Why do I care? Why are fishers (the animal) called fishers? Why do I care? - Hannah P. (2006/07/19)

Your first question was already answered on 2005/07/08. You care because you love us so dearly, and as such, you want to know everything about us. Don't worry, we forgive you.

Now on to the strangely named varmint called the fisher. Fishers belong to the Mustelidae family, along with weasels, wolverines, badgers, mink, and other similar creatures. Fishers are actually quite intuitive little buggers, being one of the few animals that can cheerfully hunt the porcupine without getting imbedded with quills. From their name you would expect them to lay by the shore on nice sunny days while drinking lots of beer and bragging to their buddies about the huge bass they caught, but didn't have film in their camera to prove it. As it turns out... they don't actually fish. In fact, fish make up a very small portion of the carnivore's diet. So what's the deal? How dare a living thing in nature have a name that doesn't accurately portray it? For shame!

The name is actually closer than you may think. "Fisher" is thought to have derived from the French. No, it doesn't mean coward, stinky, or horny like what you've come to expect from the French. It comes from the French word fichet which is their word for the pelt of the fitch (also called the European Polecat), an animal similar to the fisher. Mention that at parties and everyone will think you're cool. If you want to be really popular call it a pekan, which is its name from the indigenous Americans of the West Coast where the animal is native.

As for caring... you should really be asking yourself why anybody wouldn't care!

Relationship advisory (2006/06/29)

It has come to our attention that a lot of you people are asking questions about your pathetic love lives (as if we cared). Although we feel obligated to answer these ill-thought questions, keep in mind that adhering to what we say may be hazardous to your horrible abusive relationship that you so desperately depend on. Or, alternately, if you're not yet in an abusive codependent relationship, we'll more than likely put you in one.

Q: What's the best way to confront the person you and people think that he likes you? Should I believe them or no? - Scott Crarey
A: Hire a team of ruthless mercenaries to kidnap said person and brutally beat them. After they come out of their coma, have the head mercenary hook them up to a polygraph machine and then ask them if they like you. If they lie, have the mercenaries execute said liar by slicing their eyes with a razor until they die. If they tell the truth, then you'll know the answer to that mystery we call love. Or, and this may be stretching it a bit, try to get them alone and just ask them how they truly feel about you.

Q: Does the girl I love love me in return? - Louis Ladouceur
A: Not only does she not love you, but she doesn't even like you. In fact, she hates you. Why, just recently while we were having a nice romantic bath together, she professed her undying fiery desire to personally kill you with a shrimp fork... Sheesh man, grow some stones and just ask her!

Q: Dearest guru, my question for you is will I find love anytime soon? - Sara goulder
A: Of course you'll find love soon my dear. All you have to do is hop on a plane and fly over to meet TheAlmightyGuru. You'll find all the love you need in his pants. That is, until some other chick asks a similar question. If you want -real- love (not the bodily fluid), don't try to force it or speed it up. Trying to shoe-horn someone into loving you will just cause pain for both of you. Sometimes love takes years, sometimes it comes all at once (heh heh... comes all at once).

Q: Is it wise to be patient and wait for a woman who has shown an interest in me, while at the same time professing to be in a "committed" relationship which clearly makes her unhappy? - Tracy Messmore
A: It's amazing how sometimes people overlook the simple things. One well aimed sniper round will take care of all of your problems. Or... Obviously, the woman is not entirely sure what she wants and you're not entirely sure how to handle the situation. If she isn't sure about her current relationship, she would be wise to take a good long look at it to figure out if she really wants what the relationship offers. If she wants out, it's usually a good idea for her to leave the relationship and take some time to examine what went wrong, and how she can do things better the next time to try and prevent it from happening again. One thing that probably won't be helpful to her is to ditch her current relationship just to start up another one. As far as waiting goes, you have your own life. Hoping and praying that she'll somehow notice that you're the better choice is bad for both of you. If you like her as a friend, try and help her as a friend. If you want her as a lover, you're advice is probably going to be destructive to her relationship even if you don't intend it to be.

Q: Hello there. Are there any body characteristics, such as height, weight, skeletal frame size, or otherwise, that are good indicators of a woman's vaginal length / depth? Further, is such length a modifiable characteristic outside of surgery? - Nick
A: Sigh, well at least this question is verifiable. Okay Mr. I-have-a-strange-fascination-with-female-genitalia, here's the skinny. Much like comparing a guy's penis to his feet, there has never been a proper study to compare a woman's vagina to any other part of her body. A proper study would include a completely random sampling of women from all over the world which modesty will most likely prevent (so don't expect to ever get an answer). The study is pretty much a moot point anyway because the size of a woman's vagina is not an indication of any health concerns, and therefore not important. Sure there are a few people who may be concerned about what a woman's vagina looks like by using their body as a comparison *cough*perverts*cough*, but on the whole (heh heh) it's not an important factor. As far as augmenting the size, certain aspects are possible. Human skin can be stretched over the years. If skin is constantly stretched, it will eventually become longer (this doesn't include the length of the penis, although you could stretch down a new foreskin). Also, the vagina can be widened by stretching or tightened by sewing it partly shut. You can give it collagen injections for puffiness or suck out some tissue to make it smaller. We certainly wouldn't suggest any of these unnecessary, painful, and dangerous modifications, but we live in the USA; a place where people inject botulism into their skin for beauty.

Three answers for the price of one... which is free. - Marian Iglesias (2006/05/12)

1.) Do you know a site where you can download free anime episodes?

Yes, we do, but that's no excuse for actually watching anime. For shame! The best way to get anime is by going to a bitorrent tracker. mininova.org is an easy-to-use tracker with a high volume of anime. Before you can download torrents, you'll need a bitorrent client. µtorrent is a good one. So download and install the client, and then head over to the tracker and find the anime you want to download. Keep in mind that what you'll be doing is pirating copyrighted material which is illegal and you could potentially be sued, fined, thrown in jail and all that other happy fun stuff. If you're under 18, please get you parent's permission before breaking the law.

2.) Are demons real?

That depends on what you mean by real. If, by real, you mean something that can be seen, heard, felt, or measured in some way, than no demons probably are not real. Every demon claim that was properly investigated by scientists has been proven false. There are those who claim that people with mental disabilities or birth marks are suffering from demon possession, but thankfully modern science has given us a much better understanding than that. Now if you ask religious people, they will tell you that demons do indeed exist because they sense their presence. However, when you ask them for proof, instead of showing it to you, they'll tell you a story they heard about demons. This is called an anecdote, and it is not proof.

3.) Can you give me a tip on how to make poems?

Don't write crap. There, problem solved.

Okay, fine, we'll elaborate a bit more. There are two important parts of poetry. The first part collecting all of your emotions and hopes and dreams and fears and desires and passions, taking all of that, and getting it fresh into your head so you're actively thinking about it. Oddly enough, that's the easy part. The second part is taking everything that is in your mind and figuring out how to write it down so that when the poem is read, the person reading it feels the way that you did when you wrote it. One way of doing this is by increasing your vocabulary by having a dictionary and a thesaurus at your disposal and knowing how to use them. Word power is key, otherwise you'll be writing crap like, "the cat sat on the mat," and anyone over the age of three will get annoyed with that garbage.

My grandson and I have been using commercial "bubble" solutions to blow bubbles and making larger than usual bubbles with the use of a large bubble wand. I have noticed that the larger bubbles seem less stable, they pop very quickly. Is there a solution that I might make at home that would allow us to create more stable large bubbles? - April Willis (2006/05/03)

It's amazing how much physics can be found in one tiny soap bubble. The problem you're witnessing comes from the surface tension of your solution. Surface tension is a product of the molecules of a liquid attracting to each other. Clean water has a high surface tension which can be seen by floating objects on it (like the water strider insect for example).

Because water has such a high surface tension it is unsuitable for making bubbles--it's difficult to make anything more than tiny bubbles that burst very quickly. We add to the stability of the water by adding something that reduces the surface tension. This is called a surfactant, in the case of toy bubbles, we use soap. A surfactant lowers the water's surface tension making it more stretchy and flexible this process is called the Marangoni effect. The result of a lower surface tension means that the bubbles can adjust their strength to where it's need most making the bubbles form much easier and last longer. So if you want your existing soap bubbles to last longer, you need a better surfactant.

Assuming that the bubble liquids you buy at the store are simply water mixed with a liquid detergent (like dish soap or shampoo), you can make an identical mixture at home. However, to go beyond the store bought bubble liquid you can add a sugar based surfactant like corn syrup, or even better glycerin (glycerin can be found at drug stores and will also increase the colorfulness of the bubbles). You can experiment with different amounts of water, detergent, and glycerin to find the best ratio to make huge long lasting bubbles.

Why don't you ever see cashews in their shell like other nuts? - Ruth Ratcliff (2006/04/05)

Because there is a government conspiracy regarding a second gunmen on the semi-grassy-but-more-scrub-brushy knoll. He fired, not a magic bullet, but a wizard bullet that cast a spell on the cashews to prevent them from being able to grow pretty shells. Obviously, the government disavows any knowledge regarding this story and went so far as to call the story's purveyors "creepy little crack pots". This proves it's true.

The first problem with the question is that cashews are not nuts, they're seeds. The second problem with the question is that it doesn't start with "Powerful and wise gurus, please answer my pathetic question which is [insert question]." We're willing to forgive these two oversights and just get on with the answer out of humility's sake.

Seed, nut, what da dilly-o? It comes from that crap you were supposed to have learned in biology class, but you were too stoned to care. The cashew is a flowering tree. The flowers produce an strange apple, about the size of a racquet ball. This cashew apple is actually a psuedofruit. Although it is harvested and eaten like a normal fruit, the true fruit of the tree grows on the bottom of the cashew apple. It looks like a dark green kidney-shaped pod, and it contains a single cashew seed.

Now in a botanical sense, fruits are the ripened ovaries and seeds of a plant (yum-yum), and because the seeds are located in the fruit, the little dark green coating of the cashew seed is the true fruit. So there's the first problem solved, cashews don't have shells, they have fruit around them. Although you could just as easily call the fruit a shell and the seed a nut, and from a culinary sense you'd be accurate (hey, even some botanists would agree).

Okay, fine, but why don't you ever see cashews with their fruit around them? Well, that skank, Mother Nature, has made getting the seed from the cashew fruit a big hassle. It seems the fruit around the seed contains urushiol, the same chemical in poison ivy that messes up your skin. Obviously, to distribute cashews in this über itchy manner would be foolish, so the fruit and seed are separated before they're sent out. And now you know, and knowing is half the skirmish.

Hi. Here, I have several questions I want answered. - Elena (2006/03/13)

1. Are ghosts real?

There is no scientific evidence to support the existence of ghosts. All claims, tests, photos, etc. have either come up inconclusive or fraudulent. If they do exist, they're good at hiding. But, they're supposed to be really tough to see!

2. Are vampires real?

Same as above, no evidence to support their existence. But since they're nocturnal and most scientists aren't, we can see why there is still some confusion.

3. Is the Loch Ness monster real?

As a matter of fact, it is. However, it's a small mouth bass that weighs about six pounds. As far as tests go, Nessy has yet to show up on sonar, and if she does exist she must be anorexic or something, because there isn't enough food in the loch to sustain a large aquatic animal.

4. Are there any aliens?

Of course! The USA deports them all the time! Or did you mean alien to our planet? This is the most interesting question of the lot because it actually has a decent possibility of being true. Granted, there is an equal amount of proof for this question as the previous ones (i.e. none), but unlike the Earth, the universe is extremely vast. The chances of having another planet somewhere out there that has a similar situation as ours is entirely possible. Until they actually hop in their shiny space ships and fly their lazy butts over here we conclude that there aren't any for now, but maybe some day. Of course, considering the current state of our planet we don't see them taking the fast lane to get here.

And then there were ten (2005/02/21)

Q: Is it possible to be completely addicted to World Of Warcraft? - Steve Gummo
A: When people say addiction they usually refer to the physical dependency you get from drugs. Obviously, that isn't going to happen with a videogame. Possibly from adrenaline while playing, but that's adrenaline, not the game. However, it is possible to have a psychological addiction to anything, so yes, you can become addicted to videogames. Although, you may want to unplug every so often and try to interact with people face-to-face. Real-life girlfriends are -way- better than in-game girlfriends. Not that we would know, but we've heard stories.

Q: Hypothetically, suppose you only had $1200, and needed a laptop for both personal and other use. Also, hypothetically, you have narrowed it down to two laptops you like--Mac's iBook G4, and Dell's Inspiron 600m. Which would you purchase? - Peter Hurford
A: Hypothetically, lets assume that you're insane--that would explain the desire to buy a Mac. In all honesty, TheAlmightyGuru is a PC user and has been for all his life. Although the Macintosh line does have quality computers and is certainly a competent company, the PC market is vastly larger with more open software and hardware at your disposal. But if you want something pretty, Mac is better.

Q: Where is the best place to find out information about "Pinhead Gunpowder"? - Stephanie Adams
A: If you mean the band then pinheadgunpowder.com is an excellent source. If you want information on the tea, check out the Wikipedia entry.

Q: Does big foot exist? - 2CMOONEY
A: Of course, he hangs out in Atlantis with the Loch Ness Monster and el chupacabra. That's a joke kids. Although cryptozoologists claim that he might exist, any real zoologist will explain the fact that there hasn't been any evidence to support the existence of big foot. No droppings, no fur or hair, no skeleton, nothing. Every time someone claims to have found evidence it turns out to be from a bear, moose, or other animal. All video has been deemed fake.

Q: Probably a stupid question, rarely people ever experience it, but is there such a thing as true love? And if so could you explain how it feels? - The Dark Innkeeper
A: There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask them. But seriously folks, "true love" is a poorly defined concept. You'll get a different description for each person you ask. From a physical standpoint love can be described as a reaction of chemicals in the brain. Not very romantic is it? Sure, love may be merely a survival tool for our species, but who cares? Love is what you make of it. True love is viewed as the paramount of love. Nobody can tell you what it feels like, it's something you have to experience yourself... kind of like The Matrix.

Men: polygamy: why? I think I mean polyamory. Either, I guess. - Broken-hearted Faithful One (2006/02/15)

We understand your pain. As pathetic as gurus are for having a site like this, we've had our share of relationships, for better and for worse.

You're probably right when you say polyamory. Polygamy is the act of having multiple spouses. Specifically, polygyny for multiple wives, and polyandry for multiple husbands. This practice isn't very common in today's society, but in the past it was quite common for many cultures. Of course, many of those cultures also believed that sex with children was okay too.

Polyamory is a situation where a person is in love with multiple people at once. Not like, I love my mother and father, but like I'm having a deep loving, and possibly sexual relationship with two or more people at once. In the modern Christian-American society this is greatly frowned upon because it violates a religious code. Socially, it can be problematic because of jealously and competition in the relationship. However, if all people are accepting of it, polyamory can be a blessing where love is spread to several people instead of just two.

Obviously, you are not the type who wants to be in a relationship like that, and that is perfectly acceptable. Most people prefer to have a one-on-one relationship. Don't listen to people who say that humans are animals and animals aren't monogamous. There are several animals in the animal kingdom that mate for life, humans can be one of those as well.

We know it's difficult to be in a relationship where you want a commitment and the other wants to fool around. Still, it's not fair to blame this solely on men. Sex and gender do not dictate a person's habits of love and intercourse. We're sure you've met other women who weren't exactly what you would call "faithful".

Even though you probably feel terrible and rejected because of past relationships, don't forget that you are worthy of what you desire. If you want a man who is only interested in a monogamous relationship with you than you should try and find that man. However, don't set your sights so high they're impossible to reach. If you want a guy that doesn't even consider that other women might even be attractive you may find yourself with a very scary stalker-type person who hounds you night and day. If that's what you want there are plenty of people in prison for doing just that. Easy pickin's down at the ol' pokey.

Seriously though, don't give up hope. There are guys out there who want a one-man/one-woman family. You can find him.

How come Michigan doesn't use front license plates on their registered automobiles? Will Hollywood film productions ever get this continuity problem correct in their films? Seriously Michigan doesn't have front license plates. - Fuzzy (2006/02/14)

Because Michigan is duh-bomb yo! Actually, having a front-mounted license plate is state and county controlled. There are several states that don't require front license plates, and Michigan is one of them. However this is becoming a minority as more states are enforcing a front and rear mounted plate. Given time, we can assume that all states will enforce this because the states make more money not only on the plates, but also traffic violations caught on camera from more angles. Check with your local DMV to be sure if your state requires them, or as they call it in Michigan your Secretary of State.

This will probably come as a great shock to you, but most movie production is not done in Michigan. Although some great movies have been filmed on location in Michigan, the bulk of them are not--even if they are supposed to take place there--because Michigan weather isn't very cooperative (neither are Michigan natives, but that's another story).

Producers in California and New York see their front plates and just assume that Michigan uses them too, and there you go. It's just a simple movie flaw that occurs when the creators don't do enough homework. The movie American Pie is a good example.

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