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Here at thealmightyguru.com we have an excess of wisdom. We often stay up all night figuring out the most complex questions of the universe just because we're bored. So in order to let us sleep properly, we're asking you to ask us questions. All your most difficult and intimate questions can be answered. Because we are the paramount of knowledge, any question you ask no matter how mundane or inane will be answered.

Simply ask a question and it will be answered shortly.

Hey, check out our snazzy FAQ.


Plenty o' questions (2008/08/22)

It's been a long hiatus, but we're back to answer extremely difficult questions like...

Q: Do I love Daniel? - fOrDy Is ThE bOmB
A: Of course you love Daniel. You love Daniel Wood, AKA "Danny" from New Kids On the Block. You're like, his biggest fan evah, OMG!!! You used to be really into Donny, but then you realized just how cute Danny is in his tight jeans with all his bulging bulges... Since then you've spent every last dime you have on Danny merchandise from his action figures to life-sized cutouts which you occasionally do naughty things with.

Q: I have many freckles, brown hair and blue eyes what do you see in my future? - Kristen Ayrer
A: Ooo freckles... sexy. Well, obviously you'll be dating TheAlmightyGuru in the near future. Although, chances are he'll get bored with you and toss you aside like a used tissue after the sex gets boring. That's just what he does. But until then, it'll be loads of fun. After that you'll be heartbroken for a few decades (getting over TheAlmightyGuru is  near impossible), but eventually you'll feel okay with yourself again and move to Chão de Lopes, Portugal. This will be rough at first since you don't speak Portuguese. However, you'll open a chain of McDonalds franchises and retire young so that you can spend the rest of your days braiding your brown hair, gazing intently at your blue eyes, and flashing your freckles at the locals.

Q: Is it true that when you shake your head randomly there is a ghost around? - Laura JimenezB
A: This is the kind of stuff you get when you don't have someone screening your email... Sure, why not? Even though ghosts don't exist, they somehow have the power to turn people into little bobble-head dolls.

Q: I've been surfing the Net for as long as I can remember.. and I've stumbled upon this thing called hentai. My question is, why do some people like hentai soooooo much?? well... I've already seen some of the stuff, but maybe TheAlmightyGuru can enlighten me? - Enigmatic A
A: Although many of my readers may be giggling up a storm right now, there's actually a bit more to this question than you're probably aware of. Most people familiar with term "hentai" think that it's just pornographic cartoons, but that's because it's so misused by Westerners. Since Japan has made an artform out of animation, they've also delved into animated pornography. Adult anime has such a lucrative market, they've come up with many different categories for it. "Ecchi" is your standard sexual anime. "Yuri" refers to lesbian animation and "yaoi" refers to gay animation. "Hentai" is basically all the weird stuff like tentacle rape, bestiality, and school girls having sex with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. If you're really brave do some searches on the terms bukkake, gokkun, aokan, futanari, tamakeri, and enjo kosai. But don't say I didn't warn you.

As for your question of why anyone would like hentai... Come on man, it's hentai! That's like asking why would anyone like eating or breathing. But seriously, using an animated medium allows the creators of pornography more freedom to explore taboos that are not usually permitted like rape, pedophilia, bestiality, monsters, incest, etc. Since animation, like erotic fiction, is privy to fantasy situations that social law forbids, people curious about their sexuality can explore those situations without being put on their local sexual offenders list. Plus, people are always attracted to the unknown--especially if the unknown is also illegal.

Q: I have an itchy left hand, am I going to come into money? (Jeffery Tapper - 2007/12/20)

A: Please tell us that you're not so incredibly stupid that you actually believe this. Oops! We mean--we here at Ask A Guru respect all beliefs no matter how ignorant and impossible they may be. Oh, who are we kidding? Everyone who believes this old superstition is a total moron.

All superstitions are pretty much impossible to track down because they usually start from a small group of people who, over the course of years of gossip, spread the idea like a disease to their friends and family. Since people that believe in and perpetuate superstitions (we like to call them idiots) are constantly perverting the superstition as the years go by it becomes impossible to trace the source. Just do a search online and you'll see a million variations. Some say an itchy hand means money. Some people say the left hand is for receiving money, but the right hand is for losing money. Some people reverse the hands. Some people say that the palms have to itch, not just the hand itself. Some people say that if you scratch an itchy hand then you won't get your money, but if you scratch the hand that makes you lose money, then you won't have to lose it. Then there are superstitions about itchy hands that don't involve about money at all, but instead talk about travel or love life.

These are all just a million different ways of saying the same bullshit, and the only sources anyone can ever give are, "Well that's what my grandmother said." Well, if granny says it than it has to be true, right? Because we know that dementia ridden old folks who belong in a home should never be questioned.

The only origin beyond "granny's wisdom" that we've seen comes from a radio program from 1935 which claimed that the Saxons had a superstition where you could rub diseased skin with silver to cure it. Thusly, if your hand was itchy it may be because the skin was becoming diseased, and therefore you need to rub it with money. This was perverted into assuming that an itchy hand had to do with money. However, the reference is dated and difficult to verify.

When you step away from the woo woo aspect of all of this, an itchy palm is an idiom for someone who is expecting or wanting money. For example, a bellhop expecting a tip has an itchy hand.

An interesting thing to note is that some coins contain nickel and a small amount of people are allergic to nickel, so they can actually get itchy palms from holding the coins for too long.

Q: And what does it mean if my right hand is itchy? - Jeffery Tapper
A: Oh for crying out loud! Fine, this time we're not pulling any punches. Your hands itch because your extremely hairy palms have acquired crabs from promiscuous masturbation with other people. The only way to get rid of them (the crabs, not your hands) is with a special shampoo and a tiny comb. Next time put your hand in a condom before giving your friends "a hand".

Many more stupid questions (2007/10/16)

You got asinine questions, we got god-like answers

Q: How many women today in the world have orgasms and how many don't? Is it true not all women can have an orgasm during sex? If so, why? How would you solve it? - Ezenkovic
A: Female orgasms, much like the tooth fairy, big foot, and walruses don't exist. They're just a creation of fiction from the fanciful minds of stupid femi-nazis. At least, that's what most conservative males like to think. In actuality, the female orgasm does exist and it is longer and more powerful than the male orgasm. However, the downside to having a better orgasm, is that it usually takes women longer to reach an orgasm. Yes, some women have difficulties reaching orgasm with a partner (although, nearly all women can "jill-off" and climax alone). The amount of female orgasms can be increased simply by having their partners take more time to understand how their bodies and minds work with regard to lovemaking. The Internet can give you plenty of advice, but you can also consult sexologists if you can't finger it out (heh heh). As far as percentages are concerned it's difficult to get a good number. No world-wide randomly-sampled female orgasm tests have ever been conducted. However, to give you something to think about, ABC News did a voluntary online poll in 2004 and found that 70% of American females do not always have an orgasm during sex.

Q: when you put Mentos in diet coke and it explodes is that a physical or chemical change? - Eleanor Durant
A: What, you mean you don't watch the Mythbusters? They did a whole show on this topic! The bubbling issue is primarily a physical one. When you take a liquid like pop that is supersaturated with gas and then put it in contact with a surface that has nucleation sites (tiny imperfections in the surface) bubbles will form from the supersaturated gas and rapidly release. The surface of Mentos candy contains the perfect size of nucleation sites that cause the bubbles to form. Take a look at EepyBird's amazing Mentos/Diet Coke experiments #137 and #214 to see this in action.

Q: Am I secretly gay? - 2BMackin
A: Your email address is 2-B-Mackin'. There's no secret about it sailor.

Q: Can you realize you are in a dream when you are in one? - Alex Viedma
A: As a matter of fact, you can. And beyond that, it's possible to control your dreams while you're having them. This phenomenon is called lucid dreaming. Although it's not very common, it is an established scientific study. To learn more about it, check out the Wikipedia entry. It contains information about ways to help teach yourself how to dream lucidly. Once you become established with those methods you may very well be able to take an active part in your wet dreams... and then wish you could never wake up.

Q: Is 22/7 really equal to pi? - Jay Hawk
A: No, but it is a decent approximation. 22/7 comes out to 3.142857 where as p is closer to 3.141592. 22/7 was suggested by Chinese mathematician Zu Chongzhi in the 5th century CE, although he had already worked out a more accurate value (actually the Chinese were way ahead of the Western world when it came to math). p has been known to be a little kooky since the ancient Babylonians of the 19th century BCE. They approximated it to 25/8 (3.125). But that's still better than the book of Kings in the Old Testament which rounds it merely to 3 (written circa 9th century BCE). Many mathematicians in the past have tried to figure out the precise value of p. However, Japan has calculated p out to it's first 1,241,100,000,000 digits, and still no repeating number has been found. It's not really important to have such an accurate value of p, since you really only need a handful of digits to plot courses from one side of the universe to the other.

You've got questions, we've got insults (2007/01/19)

Here are several more simple questions with freaking awesome answers.

Q: I'm going to a professional in order to get hypnotized to quit smoking cigarettes. I wanted to go today, but then I realized that I had already smoked some pot, and I wondered if that could have any adverse effects on the hypnosis. Also, do I need to specify to the hypnotists that I only want to quit smoking cigarettes and not marijuana? - Justin
A: Although hypnosis does have measurable effects, when it comes to affecting complex issues (like quitting smoking) no real proper clinical tests have proven that it works. In fact, a lot of the tests about hypnosis in general are considered poorly orchestrated by most skeptical scientists--although your hypnotist will most likely disagree. As long as your hypnotist sticks to smoking and doesn't try to regress memories of daddy touching you in your no-no zone, you'll probably be safe regardless of how much dope you smoke. Since you're a pot smoker you know that the effects of pot have been blown wildly out of proportion by most "just say no" campaigns. Of course, if your wacky-tabacky was laced with LSD then you're probably in for one amazing ride! A hypnotist will never be able to get you to do something you don't want to do. Therefore, if you don't want to quit smoking Mary Jane, you don't have to worry about it. If you are someone who is rather suggestible, then it may be possible that the hypnotist may make the doobies less appealing. Chances are your hypnotist doesn't care that you toke your blunts, but just in case, tell him that you smoke "something else" and that you don't want him to hinder your enjoyment of it.

Q: Why do we have interstate highways in Hawaii? - Dustin Deppe
A: Sure, it's a smartass question, but what you don't know is that Hawaii isn't the only state with an Interstate that stays entirely within the state. Oh sure, there's the obvious Alaska, but also Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Texas, Wisconsin, and several other states have intra-state Interstates. This is because the name "Interstate" refers to how the road is funded, not how it's laid out (another example of the amazing cognitive faculty of our federal government). Interstates are built and maintained by the states they reside in, but a large portion of their funding comes from the federal government--which would make you think of using the name "Federal Highway", but why be logical when you can be confusing? The intra-state Interstates are sometimes made in order to connect federal establishments like military bases.

Q: Just wondering if there are any statistics about the use of psychics in modern criminal investigation--that is how frequently are they used, what sort of success rate is attributed to them? - April A. Willis
A: It's very hard to get accurate statistics about psychics because most self-proclaimed psychics hate being measured (lest they be proven a fraud). Since most of the existing stats are unreliable, you'll have to make your own assumptions based on reading about their results from many different sources. The article in Wikipedia on psychic detectives is rather small, but it does have a nice selection of external links (both positive and negative) which should give you some information on the topic. You'll notice that the positive sites focus primarily on the successes of the psychics and the negative sites focus primarily on their failures. Of course, given enough research on any so-called psychic you'll find plenty of documented failures.

Q: Ok, so how does one go about getting laid after 2 years of no sex? - Alfy101
A: Hire a prostitute. Check the classifieds for ads that have the words "female-escort", "erotic-massage", or "fifty-dolla-sucki-sucki" in them. Wear a condom. This is, of course, easier if you're a woman. Simply walk up to a man (any man) and say, "You'll do."

Q: Would you rather break a light bulb in your mouth or get a 1,000 paper cuts over your entire body and dipped in alcohol? Please ponder this question carefully, your response says a lot about the kind of man you are. Since you are TheAlmightyGuru, you should have some interesting insights. (Julie says hi, & peace out) - Shelly Wycoff
A: Personally, I'd break the light bulb in my mouth. If done properly I think I could reduce the amount of lacerations to far below to opposing 1,000 paper cuts. This would leave me in much better condition to accept various other forms of nocturnal injuries from yourself and Julie when I show you exactly what kind of man I am. >:-)

Several questions, see below - Jay Hawk (2007/01/03)

Q: Why do you Rule so much?

A: It actually makes a lot of sense that TheAlmightyGuru rules. Just take a look at the etymology of the word "rule". It's derived from the French riule which in turn comes from the Vulgar Latin regula which can be translated to mean "straight stick". Now then, when you think about straight sticks, what comes to mind? The correct answer, of course, is TheAlmightyGuru.

Q: Why do I love your site?

A: That is all part of the tiny little mind controlling device which we've gently placed into your skull via an awl and a sledge hammer.

Q: 7, 8, 9. Did 7 really eat 9?

A: Jokes that were thought up before the turn of the century aren't funny any more. And for the record 7 couldn't have eaten 9 because he was at my place all night watching MacGyver reruns.

Q: Is there any way to rule as much as you?

A: That depends on how straight your stick is.

Q: How old am I? (Solve it in order) 11 times 2 = __ divided by 2 = __ plus 9 = __ times 5 = __ minus 89 = my age.

A: You dare insult us with your primitive mathematics quiz? *sigh*

11 x 2 = 22

22 / 2 = 11

11 + 9 = 20

20 x 5 = 100

100 - 89 = 11

Thus, you are 11. Uh... don't tell your parents about the straight stick thing.

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