Tips For Guys

Here's another one of those stupid teenie bopper Internet lists about how a guy can imasculate himself in order to make a girl's childish ideals come true. Of course, I've added the correct responses to each of these lame items.

Give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in.
But she stretches it out because she's so fat.

Give her one of your hoodies to wear so everyone knows she's yours.
How on earth will they know that? What, do you monogram all your hoodies or something?

Leave her cute notes.
Using letters cut out from magazines with messages like, "Tonight I will feast upon your intestines!"

Tell her she looks beautiful.
Even though you both know it's a blatant lie.

Look into her eyes when you talk to her.
I'm too busy staring at her boobs.

Let her mess with your hair.
Only if she wants to die.

Touch her hair.
And then go buy lice shampoo.

Just walk around with her.
Don't you mean, walk -around- her. Get it? Because she's so fat.

Forgive her for her mistakes.
So you'll have to forgive her about fifteen times a day.

Look at her like she's the only girl you see.
That is, until someone who is prettier walks by.

Tickle her even when she says stop.
Or at least until she wets herself.

When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
But tell her in your own language that is composed only of swear words.

Let her fall asleep in your arms.
So that you can take advantage of her shortly thereafter.

Get her mad and then kiss her.
By mad, of course, I mean infect her with rabies.

Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
Since you're playing videogames anyway it doesn't really matter all that much.

Tease her and let her tease you back.
However, when she tries to tease you back smack her nose and say, "NO!" Like dogs, it's the only way women learn.

Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
Thus making you sick as well. Way to go genius!

Watch her favorite movies with her.
Just remind her that her favorite movies are The Terminator, Die Hard, and every lesbian porn ever made.

When she's sad, hang out with her.
And every few minutes say, "Don't you ever stop crying? You're like a faucet!"

Let her know she's important.
By telling her that nobody fetches a beer the way she does.

Kiss her in the pouring rain.
And by "kiss," I mean, "use her as an umbrella."

When you fall in love with her, tell her.
Wow, sage advice Cupid. I was just going to hope that she could read my mind, like she expects me to.

And when you tell her, love her like you've never loved before.
Even more than ice cream? I think not!

And, when she runs up at you crying... the first thing you say is, "Who am I beating today?"
And then say, "Just kidding. What'd you do wrong this time?"