What Men Should Know

Hey look, it's another one of those stupid lists that women create for men to read (as if we read). Do the authors of these lists expect that they will ensures men will become A+ boyfriends and husbands? Sad. Thanks to some good old fashioned testosterone the proper responses have been added to the list. And since this list is particularly far-fetched, so is the commentary.

1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot.
We prefer to lie to ourselves about most things so why should this be any different. You are only attracted to us...

2. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.
We would prefer that you just stop acting like soap-opera women. We really don't need your psychotic meaningless drama.

3. There is no such thing as too much spooning.
Honey, the house is on fire and the baby is choking... let's spoon.

4. Just because you L the C doesn't mean we have to S the D.
Wow, that's classy. Just another female double standards, and you complain that men have too many. Let's keep track shall we? #1.

5. This is how we see it... Don't call = Don't Care.
It's about time you figured that out. We were thinking we'd have to paint a picture.

6. We like you to be a little jealous... but overly possessive is not necessary.
And it's is up to men to read women's thoughts to know exactly what the right level is. Sure.

7. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on.
Oh, now suddenly this is all about you?

8. We're allowed to be late... you are not.
Double standard #2.

9. Eye contact is key.
Even during doggie style? I hope you do Yoga!

10. Don't take longer to get ready than we do.
Double standard #3.

11. Laugh at our jokes.
But your jokes are lame because you're so concerned about offending minorities.

12. Three words... honesty, honesty, honesty.
Okay, you not only look fat in those pants, but she is a lot more attractive than you.

13. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers.
Double standard #4.

14. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.
And we don't really care if you even have one, what's your point?

15. Do not start with us. You will not win.
Is that why spousal abuse is on the rise?

16. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so.
So, what then, do you get nailed by your brother or something?

17. We will never have enough clothes or shoes!
Let's invite homeless people over so we can taunt them with your huge horde of clothes that you never wear, but couldn't possibly give away.

18. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month.
Then why do you have to be bitchy all the friggin' time?

19. Open the door for us no matter where we are... even at our house and getting into the car.
Because you'll do the same for us? Double standard #5.

20. We love surprises!
Then you'll be happy to know that I'm sleeping with your sister!

21. Hit it and quit it, because later I'll be with you're best friend and he lasts for hours.
We'll last for hours when you stop lying there like a corpse and actually move your ass.

22. If we wanted to be on video tape, we'd be a porn star not your girlfriend.
Obviously you haven't watched enough porn to think that your body could ever be in porn.

23. Sensitive guys are great... but crying more than we do in a movie just isn't right.
Double standard #6. Way to desire equality.

24. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays.
It's not stupid, we just really don't care.

25. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman.
Yeah, nothing causes a more satisfying orgasm then some hot and heavy cuddling.

26. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too.
In fact, they have a lot more feelings. About a ton more.

27. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling, and nasty looks all add up to... YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!
No, it adds up to, unless you actually tell us what is wrong, we don't care.

28. If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware.
Yet, women expect you to take them dancing all the time anyway.

29. You don't have to spend a lot, if it means a lot.
See, even if that Prada bag was on sale when you bought it, we'll still appreciate it.

30. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you.
Well, duh, I'm sleeping with them too.

Disclaimer: If you feel the need to write hate mail, first lighten up, then loosen up, then shut up because I don't care.