This document was created from inspiration by Ken Mondschein's document called: Why Liberals Don't Like
Guns. I read it and found it extremely funny. However, it didn't pertain to me very well because I'm a conservative, not a liberal. So I decided to write the opposite side
of the story based on the stereotype that all conservatives love guns.
WHY CONSERVATIVES LOVE GUNS
1. We like to kill things.
As everyone knows, conservatives are trigger-happy and violent. Our motto is "If we don't understand it, shoot it!". This covers everything including animals, people, and
entire cultures. We also love to kill things that taste good. Speaking of things tasting good...
2. We love to hunt.
What good is Sunday afternoon if you can't go to the woods with your buddies all carrying high-powered rifles and heavily buzzed from drinking gallons of non-light beer?
Most of the animals are frightened away by our shouting and laughing so we get bored and shoot the first thing that moves. Sometimes it's an animal, which means...
3. We love to eat red meat.
Conservatives are all carnivores, because everyone knows that red meat is high in protein and vitamin C (or something to that effect), so it has to be good for you. Green
food scares us. Mold is sometimes green, which means that salads are moldy. In fact we try not to eat plants at all because we think...
4. Vegetarians are evil.
Hitler was a vegetarian, need we say more? Tofu reminds us of snot, and soy was created by the devil. Real people eat red meat. The best way to get red meat is... the grocery
store, but that won't let us tell hunting stories at dinner, so we get guns and lie about the big cow we shot in the woods as we eat the poor beast, which means...
5. We're all fat.
Eating all that red meat has made us big-boned fat-cats. We also like to smoke heavily after dinner and tell people that it doesn't harm you (we have friends in the tobacco
industry). We are able to eat so well because...
6. We're all extremely wealthy.
Being a conservatives means that we never give out money to charities because we immensely hate the poor. We earned our money fair and square (by inheriting it) and it's ours
dammit! We like our ivory backscratchers to remain ours and guns make that happen by keeping away the poor and the minorities because...
7. Minorities are inferior.
We think it's a proven fact that if you're not a white male, you're a criminal. Whites are the master race, excluding those annoying long-haired hippies which brings us to
another reason we need guns...
8. Hippies should be shot.
Treason is a crime punishable by death, and those non-patriotic dirty hippies protest all the time, and we think protesting is the same as treason. Since we love to kill
things (see point one) we created capital punishment. This allows us to kill people legally. If only the other states would take after Texas. The great thing about Texas is
that it's a southern state and...
9. We all live in the south.
As my brother Bubba-Ray said, "As far as we're concerned the south is the only part of this country that really cares about the USA. The south will rise again and there will
be catfish and sweet-tea for everyone! We need our guns to carry out our master plan to kill them liberal Yanks." Another thing about us conservatives is...
10. We hate homosexuals.
They carry the homosexual virus (because we think it's virus) and they want to get two men to marry. What's next people marrying dogs? Because we know that gays and lesbians
are really into bestiality as well. Also, we think God created AIDS to punish homosexuals, and if God wants them dead then we should shoot them with our guns. On the topic of
11. We're all Christians.
And by Christians, we mean Roman Catholics. Every last one of us is, and we are just doing our part to see God's will done. You can tell we're Christian because we advertise
little fishies on our Ford 350's, Chevy Suburbans, and Hummer H2's as we blare John Cougar Mellancamp music. As Christians we feel it necessary to shoot all homos, witches,
Muslims, and anyone else who might question our ideals. The reason we're all Christian is because our parents were, and...
12. We fear change.
Conservatives feel that change, along with progress, is a very bad thing. Change just creates problems and chaos. Sitting at home, smoking a cigar, polishing our rifles, and
complaining about the democrats while the wife cooks us dinner, has worked well all this time, why ruin it with change?
As you can see, the reasons are quite obvious as to why we should all have guns and be conservatives. Case closed.
Okay, this is all a load of crap, but it's amazing how some people believe it. I tried to offend everyone equally and not concentrate on any one group in particular, I'd
hate for people to think I'm biased. Of course, everyone knows that a gun is just a tool. If people want to kill each other, they will. They don't need a gun to do it, but
guns sure do make it easier.