It's common knowledge that TheAlmightyGuru is a world-class stud muffin, and that all the women of the Earth just simply fawn over his superior good looks. Sure, TheAlmightyGuru has dated all sorts of women and he could ramble on about them, but this page hasn't been erected (heh-heh) to display his old flings. Instead, this page is here to show some of the girlfriends that TheAlmightyGuru might have dated, but why it wouldn't have worked out in the end.


Name: Gillian Anderson

Age difference: +12 years

Reason she's attractive: What can I say, I'm a sucker for redheads. Gillian is most popular for her role as Agent Scully from The X Files, but has also done as lot of theater as well. But who am I kidding? She's a total hottie mega babe with a gorgeous face and a great body!

Reason it wouldn't work out: Aside from the fact that she has a daughter she also likes Sarah McLachlan, which is a major turn off that I just can't see past.


Name: Julie Andrews

Age difference: +45 years

Reason she's attractive: Oh man, this nun can be my nanny any day! If you haven't seen her starring in The Sound of Music or Marry Poppins you're missing out. She was gorgeous back then, and she's gorgeous still. She also has an amazing singing voice and has written several children's books.

Reason it wouldn't work out: Well with the fact that she's old enough to be my grandmother is a bit of a set back, isn't it?


Name: Thora Birch

Age difference: -2 years

Reason she's attractive: With her beautiful child-like face, she always looks 16, and that's a good thing. The role she really does me in is from Ghost World, but her cheerleader role in American Beauty works too. She also has really big... uh... assets.

Reason it wouldn't work out: She loves root beer, which is a great thing, except she drinks -diet- root beer. I can not allow diet root beer (also known as goat piss) to exist near me.


Name: Kari Byron

Age difference: +6 years

Reason she's attractive: Kari Byron, best known for her skills seen on Mythbusters, is a gorgeous red-head who is as intelligent as she is sexy. She's into travel, adventure, and artistic pursuits. She also likes swords and knives. Oh yeah!

Reason it wouldn't work out: Aside from being a vegetarian, she uses her artistic skills to make creepy doll figurines. I freaking hate dolls, they weird me out!


Name: Kirsten Dunst

Age difference: -2 years

Reason she's attractive: Gorgeous looks, gorgeous body, and an impressive singing voice. You've seen her as a sexy cheerleader in Bring It On and as a damsel in distress in Spiderman 1 and 2 and even as a trashy fiend in Crazy/Beautiful. You drooled, you know you did.

Reason it wouldn't work out: Aside from being a smoker, which is gross, she had to kiss Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire, which means she has yucky Brad Pitt germs.


Name: Jenna Elfman

Age difference: +8 years

Reason she's attractive: After watching Dharma and Greg I had to roll my tongue back into my mouth. Jenna's so cute and perky it's wonderful. She has a pretty voice and a great body too. She also loves animals and musicals.

Reason it wouldn't work out: The age difference isn't a problem for me, however, Jenna Elfman is into Scientology (a religion that clashes with me), so it just wouldn't work out between us.


Name: Claire Forlani

Age difference: +8 years

Reason she's attractive: Claire has beautifully chiseled facial features and a great body as seen in the movies Anti Trust and Meet Joe Black. Although she is English and Italian, she has a great American accent that has fooled most people.

Reason it wouldn't work out: Sadly, she really loves Elvis. I think Elvis is way over-rated and could barely even play guitar. This conflict of interests would undoubtedly cause too many fights.


Name: Anne Hathaway

Age difference: -2 years

Reason she's attractive: She flips from a nerd to a princess in The Princess Diaries and looks stunning as both. She has very pretty lips and eyebrows. Not only is she a great actress, but she can sing as well. She's even in my age bracket, oh yeah!

Reason it wouldn't work out: Anne is a big Yoga fan. I can't even touch my toes. Stretching is not in the nature of a computer programmer, so it just wouldn't work out.


Name: Katherine Heigl

Age difference: +2 years

Reason she's attractive: A tall curvaceous blonde who plays a model and a warm-hearted surgeon in Grey's Anatomy, how could you resist? She also was a model in real life, and certainly has an amazing body for it, and a very enduring smile.

Reason it wouldn't work out: She was in a movie where Gérard Depardieu played her father. Even though there is no physical relation, it just nauseates me to think that there could be.


Name: Iben Hjejle

Age difference: 9 years

Reason she's attractive: If you saw High Fidelity you don't need any more reasons. This Danish beauty has the looks, the body, and the talent. It's a shame she doesn't do much in the American film industry. Even though I can't pronounce it, I find her name very sexy.

Reason it wouldn't work out: Iben had to rub up against a nude Tim Robbins while he was wearing a very disturbing wig. I doubt that's ever washed off. Ick.


Name: Jenny Lewis

Age difference: +3 years

Reason she's attractive: Before becoming the lead singer of Rilo Kiley, Jenny was an actor as seen in The Wizard, Foxfire and several TV movies. She looks gorgeous, has a beautiful singing voice, great fashion sense, and has excellent delivery of swear words.

Reason it wouldn't work out: Sadly, Jenny was once really into hip-hop music. Anyone who likes, or even liked hip-hop at one point, creates serious problems with me.


Name: Liv Tyler

Age difference: +2 years

Reason she's attractive: Isn't it obvious? The lips, the eyes, the cheeks. Liv has a perpetual child-like appearance that makes her a dream. Seeing her in Aerosmith's Crazy video made her a total sex symbol. Add her acting from Empire Records, That Thing You Do, and Lord of the Rings and I'm set.

Reason it wouldn't work out: Her being married doesn't bug me, but according to her, she likes guys with messy hair. I refuse to let my hair be messy. Sorry, it just wasn't to be.


Name: Ziyi Zhang

Age difference: 0 years

Reason she's attractive: Not only is she beautiful and physically capable (several dancing awards), but she also has a presence that makes you tremble. I know I can't be the only one who first saw this bombshell in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and again in Rush Hour 2 and said "whoa".

Reason it wouldn't work out: Ziyi doesn't speak English. While most guys would love a woman like that, I prefer intelligent conversation. The language barriers would be too complex for me.


Disclaimer: To those lawyers of the celebrities listed here; I'm not a stalker, this site is merely a joke. Please don't send hired goons to break my kneecaps. I've grown quite fond of them. Thank you.

Home